She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
