I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
