Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
