Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my shit smells like andre
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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