This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
