I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
