even my farts smell like vagina
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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