he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
