Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Holy shit dude........stairs
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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