yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
