I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
