I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
