My sheets look like a crime scene.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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