having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
