Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
