Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
