It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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