Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Randomize
