o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
