Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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