Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
