i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
