dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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