I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Randomize
