Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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