you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
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Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
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almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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