Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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