What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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