Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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