Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
