I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You took a bar mat shot.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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