Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting