I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
