There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
