I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
