when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
