I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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