Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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