I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I checked into jail on foursquare
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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