This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
