i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I need to stop coming to work sober
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
