I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
