First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
