I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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