Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
