Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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