I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
