On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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