His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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