when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
