Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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