Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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