i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
