I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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