you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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