between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
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I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
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I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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