Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
