i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
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